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chains, feet, sand

As a woman in the CFM cult we were also taught to obey the pastor’s wife

As a woman in the CFM cult we were taught to not only submit to the pastor. But also his wife. The “pastor’s wife”. Personally for me that brought more tormenting pressure of it’s own. As leaders of their own they are required to teach the younger women and teen girls the ropes of submission. As a wife we were instructed to have sex with our husbands to the his choosing and like. Which I can say brought along abuse behind the bedroom door. I remember moments where the “pastors wife” would angrily yell at us to teach us the “correct” way of doing things. It almost felt like slavery. Knowing we had to please so many was a hard task to accomplish. But oh did we try. Or else.

At one point I was the “director’s wife”. Which meant my husband was supposed to be the next in the church to get “sent out”. Thankfully we never did which is another story of it’s own. I was responsible for so much after I was given to marriage at the young age of 17. Having to cope with too many new pressures little did I know was just the beginning to a hellish slope I would find myself on for the next 17 years. The anguish I suffered and no one around to speak up for me. And when the time came where my little sister tried. I was already submerged and brainwashed to the point where I asked her to stop. To leave my house. I chose lies over my sister then.

I was taught CFM leadership knew it all. I defended them to the core. Not realizing that they were just using me for their own gain and selfish purposes. Looking back now I can say I probably have many reasons why I stayed so long.
One because since I had been married into it. I went home to it every night. Which made the emotional and phycological abuse in the cult feel almost normal. And the way I seen it eventually was my ex-husband was not as bad as most men in the cult.
Two I truly believed I would die, be cursed, and go to hell if I left the CFM cult. The fear was enough to shut my body down into panic attacks if I thought about it long enough.
Three I thought being apart of the CFM cult made me a better person. Would make my kids better people also. Basically there was no other life outside the cult that would bring satisfaction and joy.
So as you can tell the reasons of why I stayed inside the cult for too long can go on and on. But of course all those reasons stemmed from their teachings, their grooming, their abusive doctrine and lies. Their hate and fear led so many to just swallow the poison and ‘pray’ we wouldn’t die. But oh did I die. Everything in me died. The real me at the core. To the point that when I ended up escaping the cult I couldn’t even tell you what my favorite music was. What my favorite movie was? Who was I? What did I like? It shocked me that I didn’t know who I was. Apart from the identity they chose for me. I knew then that being in that cult damaged me more then I had realized or wanted to believe.

Today I am just 2 years of being free and finding my freedom. If you ask me today, I could answer you. I could happily tell you what music I like. What movies I like, Who I am on my own is breathtaking. I don’t need anyone to answer that for me. Ever again.